nikki

Hey all,

This is a long overdue response to some unwelcome communication – some folks have been reading my blog that are very much uninvited. While I recognize I have no control over the blogosphere, I can control what info I share, and how I share it. Apparently, I’ve not done well with either. To those who are uninvited, I know you’ll eventually read this post. You know who you are. Get your own life already, and get the heck out of mine. I’ve moved on in my life, and you ought to be mature enough to do the same. (There are two exceptions to this, and I hope you know you are. I think you do).

To everyone else who I personally told about this blog and knows they are welcome in my life, please call me, e-mail me, text me, what have you, and I’ll give you my new url. I’ll leave this up at least for now. I may or may not come back to this later; we’ll see how that goes. Overall though, I’m hoping I do better with those two shortfalls with this new site. I hope you understand and can bear with me…

When I left EGC, it was said that I had “enthusiasm and infectious positive energy…” If I did, I lost it somewhere, in Boston I suppose, and I’m now noticing it. In fact, over the past couple of weeks, I’ve caught a lot of complaining coming out of my mouth, too little too late, and often over things that really don’t matter. I suspect this didn’t really start when I got down here, but that maybe it’s been a gradual digression with the events of the past year, and sadly I’m only catching it now.

So first, some thank you’s. I want to thank everyone who’s seen this developing in me and been patient with me, bearing with me, and I imagine forgiving me frequently along the way. I don’t deserve it. Secondly, I want to thank the people that called me on it, also being patient with me, bearing with me, and forgiving me along the way. I don’t deserve that either. Both roles played are equally important. So thank you, all of you.

And I’m sorry. I’m sorry to anyone I’ve been negative around, or complained about silly things and not let them go. I’ve been told I have a way of, and this is a rough paraphrase at best, finding one little thing and just ripping it to shreds. This is not the person I want to be, and it grieves me that that’s what I’ve become. I know that being around people like this (like me lately) is toxic, and I don’t want to be toxic. God calls his children to bless people, and that’s what and who I want to be.

Over the last 24 hours, I’ve made a conscious decision to change this attitude, but not really knowing how. In my prayers this morning, I asked God to “teach me to treat all that comes to me throughout the day with peace of soul and with firm conviction that Your will governs all.” I’ve prayed this before, and in the past I’ve thought of things like running late, or traffic (6 car pile ups are common in the rain here), or missing breakfast, or difficult patients, or difficult doctors. Now I’m beginning to see it as much more than that, and how it relates to my attitude. And, knowing that God is sovereign, that I can choose my overall attitude and my specific responses. I used to know this, but somehow over the last year, I’ve forgotten it.

Tonight, I went to Vespers, and I was so excited – almost as excited as the first time I went to Liturgy. It was a trying day. When one makes a decision in favor of how God wants us to live, we usually get trying days. I had 9 patients to see in 3.5 working hours, one difficult to converse with (not his fault), and all sorts of drama outside the chapel while I was trying to work. There were a lot of things that could have, and now normally would have derailed me. While that didn’t happen, I was still emotionally spent when I got home. So I couldn’t wait for Vespers. So much so that I accidentally showed up an hour early, at the Saturday time instead of the Wednesday time. During Vespers, I had trouble centering and focusing, and when I caught myself losing it, I prayed for God to get rid of my distractions.

After Vespers, which was helpful despite my wandering, a monastic Mother gave a lecture on prayer – just what I need!!! I knew she was talking, and I stayed despite a pile of homework I need to attack, but I didn’t know her topic until I got there. She said something that felt like a branding iron on my heart. In the context of giving us practical ideas to work on our prayer lives, she said, “Be a bee, not a fly.” A fly can fly into a room full of flowers and find the one pile of dirt. A bee will fly into a room full of dirt and find the one flower. Out of the four practical ideas, I’m not sure if this will be the one I choose to focus on this year (there’s a close tie with one other relevant idea, out of four ideas), I realized I have been the fly. I want to be the bee. I wish I could pinch myself, wake up, and be the bee. If I choose the other relevant idea, which is thanking God for everything, regardless, I hope that becoming a bee will be an abundant side effect.

So, in short, I’m sorry for any pain I’ve caused you over this last year with my toxic negativity. I am painfully aware of it now, I’ve brought it before God, and it’s in the light. I give any of you permission to call me on it if I’m talking to you and I start on that road. Remind me to be a bee.

Love y’all!

Nicole

Hey all,

Everyone both here and back home keep asking me how things are different here vs. home. The most noticeable is that the last time I walked anywhere, I was in Boston. Raleigh is not a walking city, even downtown. Everything just sprawls. Needless to say, I care about gas prices probably more than I did when it was $4.25 ish/gal. Kinda weird. I remember asking a friend if Raleigh, or parts of Raleigh, could be a walking city if I wanted, and the response was to look at me as if I had just asked for ketchup on my peppermint ice cream.

But there are some positives, too. I see more kids playing – not just hanging out, but actually playing outside; tossing footballs, playing basketball – older teenagers, too, than I really saw at home. Strangers are friendly – I’m still getting used to that one, lol.

But it’s a completely different mindset, so far, that I’ve noticed. People seem generally more laid back. I mean, I guess it takes a laid back population to have farm land within the city limits – yes, I just said farm land… within the city limits. And they still complain about traffic down here, lol. Even some other Bostonian transplants. They obviously forgot where they came from.

Nonetheless, despite all the differences – like having to really strategically plan out simple errands to conserve gas and being more intentional about stopping to respond to a stranger’s hello rather than hurrying along as is my normal fashion – this is, dare I say it – starting to feel like home. I attribute that to being warmly welcomed into a diverse church (not sure if it’s functional yet – gimme time on that one, lol), to being welcomed by so many of the patients at the VA, and fitting into the Chapel staff nicely too, and having two friendly, seemingly caring roommates. Of course there are two friends I knew before coming down here, and I’ve made a few more, and no doubt my circle here will gradually widen.

I leave you with, not the picture I actually wanted. I was driving near downtown, and couldn’t get my camera out fast enough. So I got this one instead, which, given our current political times, I think is also fitting. Also not unnoticed, this was taken within a block or two from a seminary that might actually have a few things in common with CUME, that, had I known about them before I moved, I might be studying there instead. Oh well. Hindsight is always 20/20.

Love y’all and miss you!!

Well, world, Monday starts the next leg of this new life. I’ve been trying to find routine, and failing miserably. Come Monday morning, routine will find me and drag me along. I start CPE (Clinical Pastoral Education) – which I’m sure will give me LOTS to blog about – at 8 am until whenever, I move into my new apartment, and I start a new semester of classes. And, yeah, I’m finishing last semester today/tonight/the wee hours of tomorrow morning.

So I’m nervous about starting CPE. I don’t know entirely what to expect. It’s at the Durham VA Medical Center. I got a tour from one of the residents – a Chaplain, Capt in the VA ANG, and I kept looking around at all the folks there for treatment, and all sorts of questions were running through my head. Can I really do this? Am I mature enough? Do I look mature enough, i.e. will I get respect here? Do I really have what it takes to hear war stories on the regular and not take it home with me? Will I have the right things to say, and will I know when to just shut up?

This semester I learn more of what I’m made of. I learn more about my calling. Especially if I get summer CPE with the Army, I’ll finally be able to really decide if Chaplaincy is right for me, or if I should look at line officer careers. I love everything I’ve done so far in the Candidate program, and I always hate coming home to “normal life,” but now I’m thinking really hard about this: Am I in love with the Chaplaincy first, or the Air Force first?

I love fighting, and, while part of my reason for moving was to learn how to rest, I still feel like a warrior without a battle. Maybe right at the moment its just energy I need to exert, but I feel like I’m somehow less myself without something to fight for. It’s even why I do the crazy workouts I do, why I don’t stop if a workout makes me nauseated even though I know I should, it’s why I like some of the music I like, why I love Boston driving (note I didn’t say traffic – I’m making a clear delineation). I like things that make me feel like I’m fighting for my life, fighting for survival, or fighting for something greater than myself. And it’s not that things are peachy-keen right now; they’re not all that bad either, but I feel kind of like, “there must be a good fight going on somewhere, and I’m missing the boat.”

So that’s most of what’s in my head right now… all that from starting an internship on Monday!

2009 will not be a year of what if’s. Ok, so there will always be the “what if I could have stayed in Boston,” but I’ll always be able to look back on this time and know that I followed in faith, sure with a healthy dose of fear, trepidation, blood, sweat and tears… ok, maybe not blood. But I can look back and say, “D@mn, I had some guts (ok, I wouldn’t say guts – it’s the PG version)!”

As of right now, financial aid has been approved for slightly less than I was hoping for, but it’ll suffice with a part-time job. I chose Raleigh in the hopes of doing CPE, but as of right now, I still don’t have CPE. This could be a good thing since I’ll need a part time job, and there could be something completely different in store. My practical side wonders why stick with Raleigh if I don’t have CPE. The rest of me hears that and says it’s time to live on the beach! That was the whole point of the original plan to move south. It was never part of my plan to move south and then live three hours from the water. I’ve never lived more than one hour from the water. I’m still upset with God for taking me so far from something I love so much. I will be frequenting VA and NC beaches and fall asleep to the tide as much as I can. And if I get a chance to move to a “near by” beach community, I will. I know what you’re thinking, and don’t say it. thbbbt.

So 2009 approaches. And despite losing Boston, the beach, and gaining 800 miles between me and everything and everyone I hold dear, I still press on, looking forward. I’m doing my best to consciously hold on to all that I’ve become and everything I learned in Boston, and use that as my filter as I venture forth. So, Raleigh, brace yourself; or should I brace myself? Ten classes in a year; maybe an internship, maybe not; new friends, new community, new culture, different history. And, even though I welcome it reluctantly, I hope that somehow both Raleigh and I leave our footprints on each other, in some positive way.

To quote Matt, Onward!

Flags

Boston is a fun place to be. Really. As much as I can’t wait to move south, I know I’ll miss the diversity, the history, and the personality of the city. But, oh man, something with a military flavor happens in Boston, and things happen.

I decided to wear blues to the parade, to show off my pride. There may have been a tiny bit of social experimentation in my motivation as well, but that’s just me. And results I got!! Now, I’ve been in Boston long enough to know that the more socialable, friendly, upbeat folks, and most of the believers, live in the parts of the city the, shall we say “upper class” folks, don’t prefer to grace with their presence. This would be neighborhoods like the ones in which I live and attend school. So I began my journey there, and this is where folks stopped me to thank me for my service – yeah, that service that I can’t wait to actually get to.

Then as I continued towards the Commons, I transitioned into the gentrified white neighborhoods. Most people looked away from me. Those that didn’t avert their gaze, gave me the evil eye. The evil eye!! That’s liberal people-hating MA for ya. But it gets better.

The parade was, overall, kinda cool. It’s the people that both made it awesome, and then tarnished it. The best part – and I hope I never forget this – a Korean War Veteran stopped me to thank me… to thank ME!!! What have I done? Nothing!! I can only hope to someday earn the thanks that he has earned and wholeheartedly deserves. A few minutes later, the Honor Guard from the Coast Guard saluted me while waiting to march. That was kinda neat.

So the parade finished in about 15 minutes, and a certain activist group that shall remain unnamed decided to shake things up. The American Legion made it clear they were not allowed to march. So when the parade officials had passed, and maybe because they sorely outnumbered the police force present, they got on their bull horn and started trash talking the American Legion, the military, and our government officials. Civilians all around me were commenting on how distasteful and inappropriate their behavior was.

Being in uniform, I hurried off, avoiding their throng, so as not to draw attention, so I don’t know how it ended. But as I left I had these questions in mind. At what point does a protest depart from non-violent principles upon which they are allowed? At what point does a protest become an abuse of the Freedom of Speech? Is that purely subjective? Had there been more police there, would the forces have arrested any from this group? Maybe even just the ring leader on the bull horn? If someone, or a group, is so passionate about an issue, why not lobby instead of bring such embarrassment to oneself?

As I read a friend’s note on Facebook, I wondered if I would have confronted (with polite questions, not the ones I was really thinking) the individual on the bull horn. Try to get to the real issue behind the motivation. Did he fight in the current war or have someone close to him that did and was seriously injured or worse? Or maybe in the Vietnam War? Why engage in such rash behavior? What was really going on that was not obvious on the outside?

The day continued, and then I went to Applebee’s to take advantage of the free entree offer. They had a balloon artist there who saw me in uniform. Well, he paid for my soda and made me patriotic balloon bracelet. It’s cheesy as all get out, but I really appreciate the gesture and sentiment behind it. So, I actually kept it.

Then, back in the so-called ghetto on my way to class, an unlicensed cab driver stops me, recognizes my uniform as USAF (all the could see really was my flight cap and over coat) which impressed me, but then he also recognized my rank! He congratulated me – I don’t know what for, but I received it. LOL.

Later, I was in class, and a professor who I adore even though I frequently disagree with him played a cd during class. He was talking about the artist, a former student of his, who served for 20 years including deployments to Iraq. And he talks all about Veteran’s Day, and, now, not that I deserve any thanks or anything, but there I sit in uniform, and he doesn’t even notice. His obliviousness is what bothered me. Just woulda been nice if he had said something like, “oh, and what do you do in the Air Force?” and leave it at that. No thank you or appreciation – just notice that I am in uniform.

There ends Veteran’s Day 2008 in Boston. It’s a mixed bag, but, I didn’t have verbal insults hurled at me, I wasn’t egged, and I had overall a great day despite all the weirdness of being an Airman in Boston. Can;t wait to move and see if/how it’s different down south.

I think this is one of the reasons why, as a teenager, I thought God looked down at us as if in a snow globe, tossing us around, was just an uninvolved mover, making life happen at a whim for pure amusement, and to see how things would pan out. Even recently, I often prayed for patience. But I got kind of tired of learning about it the way God wanted me to. So I stopped praying for it. Ok, not entirely, but I grew tired of what some would call God’s “antics.” But these last few weeks, rather than focusing on patience, I’ve been focusing on praise. I’ve been praising God despite different things going on, and because of, and thanking him for, the good things he’s brought into my life as of late. So, when those good things are challenged – seriously, God, you think I’m not going to see the irony? You think I’m not going to see that, even though I didn’t ask for it – this time – you’re still trying to teach me to have more patience? Ugh… I really do dislike having to learn this way. I’d really much rather have some booming voice come down from heaven, knock on my head to see if anyone is home, and tell me I’m still not getting it! And if I pass out from the sheer fear of it all, that means I’m paying attention! And another question, and I don’t care that I already know the answer – why do our lessons that we need to learn always seem to have to adversely affect the people we care about the most? Blech to interrelationships and system dynamics.

I had an epiphany in class last night, and want to share it, much to Ben’s shagrin, I’m sure. I don’t remember reading N.T. Wright because it was just too long ago.

In one of the ministries I work with, we talk a lot about this thing we’ve labeled the Acts 1:8 model. Acts 1:8 says this, “But you will receive power when the Holy Spirit comes on you; and you will be my witnesses in Jerusalem, and in all Judea and Samaria, and to the ends of the earth.” This is how the Gospel went out in the early church. It began in Jerusalem, and went out throughout the known world in concentric circles. So we take that and apply to ministry talking about ministry development happening concentrically.

But wait, there’s more! That’s how God revealed his plan for salvation in scripture.  If you think of the whole of scripture, Genesis through Revelation, it was revealed in concentric circles.  First there was the core of the Gospel revealed in Genesis 3:15, “…he will crush your head and you will strike his heel…”  Later, when I’m not on a lunch break I’ll add more supporting scripture to this part.  But it goes on from there, as God widens man’s knowledge of the plan for salvation.

But wait! There’s still more! Revelation 1:17-18 is like a linchpin to all of this. In this passage, which by the way when you read this keep in mind that since God transcends time and space which is key to this all working, the ascended Christ holds the keys to death and to Hades. His salvific work is done. Dr. Padilla at GCTS-CUME teaches an in-depth, i.e. English, class on interpreting Revelation, and he teaches that it is not a chronological development, but actually development in concentric circles. Sound familiar? (The other cool thing here, in terms of man’s battle with sin, is that ALL the work is already done. The ascended Christ hols those keys even NOW because he’s not locked into time and space.) I’ll back this up more later, too.

So here’s the nutshell. God designed the Gospel in concentric circles, he revealed it in concentric circles, and he accomplished it NOT chronologically (which is hard to really grasp since we are stuck in chronological development), but concentrically. That’s why the “Acts 1:8 model” works. Because it follows the same model that God layed out for the Gospel. I wonder if that was intentional??? Go Doug!!!

Even though it makes me want to vomit, yes, I might actually vote for someone I don’t like. Here is my conundrum. I care about what happens here on our home soil. We need reform as much as we need oxygen. Health care, public service, social service, agency re-development, the economy… and let’s remember, too, that these are all interrelated. They all affect each other. I also care, and have personal investment in, what happens with the war effort. Lord willing, I will deploy during the next presidency. I want a Commander in Chief that understands the complexity of military operations.

I got some good advice from a Covenant pastor last night. I didn’t recognize it as such right away. I had to chew on it a bit. He looks at what he cares deeply about, and votes for the person that might make it easier to fight those battles. We both agreed that neither candidate can actually deliver on their promises. We both agreed that the change we need on the home front can only happen if it starts at the grassroots level. So, initially, I was just as lost as I was before. Which battle do I choose; which battle do I vote for?

If I vote one way, it could be easier to fight the battles here at home. The battles abroad though could turn to catastrophe. In the worst case scenario, it could become a home soil problem. If I vote another way, the battle on the home front would be extremely difficult, but the war could go better than the alternative. So, while I understand very well that the home front and war front issues are all interrelated, the two options before us polarize these aspects.

So, I pondered as I drove home, and (I have almost an hour drive home), I thought to myself… I can handle an uphill battle on the home front issues. I’d prefer a good war plan, and an uphill battle at home. I’d greatly loathe an uphill battle in both. And, besides, I’m used to fighting for things anyway.

That all being said, I might vote for the person I think has better chance at making a better Commander in Chief, even though I can’t stand him. I disagree with everything else this person says. He flip-flops more than the last flip-flopper. He really drives me up a wall, and because of all the inconsistency, I even question this person’s integrity. But he might be the person best equipped to keep the war off our soil and manage it better, so that I can focus the rest of my energies on the home front issues. I mean, aren’t may of these social issues really the call of the church anyway?

And in his sermon last night, he said, “Jesus is Lord today, He is Lord Nov 4, and He is Lord Nov 5.”

My bottom line is this. It really doesn’t matter who wins this election. It doesn’t matter. It REALLY doesn’t matter. It doesn’t matter because, first of all, Jesus is Lord. Second of all, we need grass roots movements. Third of all, the church is supposed to be the leader of grass roots movements.

So, on Nov 4, there is a good chance I will vote for someone I can’t stand, and even have a lot of fun picking on. But, in the end, I’m giving to God what is God’s, and to “Caesar” what is “Caesar’s.”

Palm Cross

I’m learning a lot about grace right now. Sometimes, it’s not so obvious how to extend it, but it’s always so easy to recognize it when we’re on the receiving end. Pride gets in the way of our ability to receive it. It’s never deserved, but its often needed. Last Fall semester, I turned it down when I really could’ve used it. This semester, I couldn’t get by without it. The last couple of weeks have been a living hell. I think it’s getting a lot better. Some people think it will get worse. I really believe that I’ve come back into “my own.” I’m “remembering” who I am. Sometimes it’s in the small things – I listened to music today that I haven’t listened to in years, and it felt so GOOD! I have a renewed commitment to school as it related to preparation that I haven’t felt in a while. My desire to pick up again with guitar and voice is growing – I might not wait to graduate to really get back into it. I might just finally “make” the time. I’m doing things for myself that were either dreams that I completely set aside never to be realized, or just things I haven’t done for myself in some time. I’ve treated myself, I’m indulging in some old dreams. I’m having FUN again. And I’m doing things that some people believed I just didn’t have in me – I’m proving them wrong.

I’m growing closer to God than I have in a long time – too long. I feel more connected to him than I have in a long time. I feel under girded and hemmed in in a way that I sort of forgot about. Or at least forgot that sense of security. I feel encouraged, filled to the brim, strengthened, supported, believed in, loved, valued, affirmed. I’m journey-ing, walking, looking outside myself, wonder-ing, awe-ing, marvel-ing, at the people and places and things around me. I’m finding beauty wherever I go. I’m re-birthing, re-awakening, re-imagining, re-dreaming, as I re-discover myself.

So this is grace. Grace is that I’m getting another chance at being that which God created me to be. I messed up, to say the least, and I don’t deserve this. If God was just without mercy, I would have been left to those old devices, stuck in that rut, doomed to live out a life in a living death. But instead, grace is extended, and I am rescued, saved, delivered, and filled back up. I am abundant-ified. By the grace of God I get to live again, and by his grace, and only by his grace, I won’t screw it up this time!!! I’ll identify my mistakes, take ownership, and learn form them. Praying I don’t have the same hard lesson ahead in my future. I’m decompressing and debriefing, unloading and dumping, but I’m also connecting the pieces together in a way I haven’t before, but always knew was there. That’s God’s grace – undeserved, unexpected. Life-giving. Life-giving. Life-giving.